Here we are again-fighting cancer related depression. I'm tired, and not overly hopeful at this point. Blood tests show that the latest round of treatment isn't working how they were hoping.
I'm mostly just tired of the relentlessness. There hasn't really been a break for almost 3 years.
I just got back from Connecticut. I've never been, and I can highly recommend a visit. Having prepared myself for the experience by watching several episodes of Gilmore Girls, I was not disappointed. Highlights included seeing Madeleine, and winning my age group in a 5K race. Go me. Anyway, it's pretty, and cool, so go visit.
Today, I was too lazy to cook anything, so all three meals were Fiber One Raisin Bran. Which I'm eating right now as dinner.
Tomorrow is round three of the Zolodex/vaccine experience. I'm not looking forward to the mood swings, and generalized crappy feeling I know will come on.
So, we're playing a Pops Concert this week! Usually pops concerts involve bad singer with multiple costume changes, or some douchey guest conductor who specializes in the music of the lesser known Andrew Lloyd Webber musicals. (Overture from Starlight Express, anyone? ) Or there's some other random gimmick, like a special appearance by Charro, or playing music from Westerns, while wearing Bolo ties.
I'll let you in on a little secret-I kind of like this pops concert. The music is way better than usual, and our conductor is making it a lot more fun than it has any right to be. For instance, we are playing a whole slew of pieces by Leroy Anderson. Yes-the King of the Viola Offbeats himself!
Here's the thing though, offbeats an be fun if there is actual music making going on around you!
And this is what is so fantastic about our new music director, Robert Franz. He can take even the most seemingly mundane piece of music, and give it life. So even something as silly and possibly cheesy like "The Typewriter" becomes a fun, musically satisfying experience.
So, if you are a local person, I totally recommend coming to our concert this weekend. More info can be found at www.boisephilharmonic.org
So, I am in no way a fashion plate. By which I don't mean the very fabulous 1970's toy where you could create awesome and fabulous outfits and draw them. But in the "can barely dress myself in an aesthetically pleasing way, so I wear a lot of black" kind of way.
But yesterday! I bought a very fabulous new pair of shoes....
The were $112!
And of course....
(wait for it)
....they are for running! There is NO WAY I would ever spend $112 on a stupid pair of shoes for any other activity.
But! I seem to have not only selected a pair of shoes that are great for running, and have good arch support, and help with the plantar fasciitis, but also LOOK COOL! I've had more people say to me "Wow! Those are COOL shoes!" (and mean it!) in the past 24 hours than I ever had in my whole life. Here: take a look
Notice the very cool, if not semi-pointless little black grippy dots. Neat, eh?
Today, I went biking with Debbie. Last year, for Christmas, she bought me this very fabulous, very very bight biking top. It's blindingly vivid. There is NO WAY someone could not see me in this top.
Later in the day, I went to the store. I was still wearing the very bright bike top, because I was too lazy to change. Near the back of the store, there was a little stand set up, with someone offering free samples of organic milk. I walked by, the person offered me milk which I wasn't interested in, and then I kept walking by.
About 90 seconds later, I had to walk by this table again. I was looking for canned pumpkin, which is weirdly located in our store. She then asked again if I'd like a sample. I smiled, said no and then moved on. What struck me as really funny is that there is NO WAY she could have not noticed me.
So, I just got back from being the guest clinician for al High School orchestra retreat. I did this same thing three years ago. It was a very deja vu filled experience: I stayed in the same cabin, which had the same ugly floral patterned sheet and comforter, saw some of the same kids, went on the same length of run in the rain, could not get the same TV that was in the cabin to work for after hours relaxation, read the same crappy "Good Housekeeping" magazinr from 1987. It was almost exactly as it had been 3 years ago. I enjoyed the same awkward conversations with some of the kids parents:
PARENT: My daughter plays viola, and is exceptional in every way. Except she doesn't practice, so I'm always telling her "You should practice" and then she's all "I have homework". We go on and on about this every day. Sometimes I wonder if she really enjoys orchestra. We just got her a new viola. She's taking lessons with Mr. Johnson-do you know him?
ME: Yes, I know Dave. He's a funny guy. This one time...
PARENT: (cutting me off totally) Well, my daughter studies with him! And I thought I'd like to learn the piano? So I went and signed up for lessons. I thought this might be something my daughter and I could do together, you know? But then we went to the store, and got her bow rehaired, and then she needed new strings, so I blah blah blah blah blah
I almost always try to eat my meals as fast as possible and go outside for a walk, run, or other generalized escaping. Mind you, I have no problem talking about music, or holding a conversation in general. I've just gotten really tired of what i think of as pseudo-conversation, where someone will chat with you with the larger goal of talking about themselves the entire time. Other topics of conversation included:
1)Who Got The Least Amount of Sleep.
2) Who Is Under the Most Stress.
3) Whose Kids Are Better In Every Way
Gah.
But I did have a fabulous oat-fudge bar from the Flight of Fancy Bakery, which is easily the best bakery in all of Idaho. I also got a really good cookie there on the way up, and a nice cup of coffee.
Body chemistry is interesting. For whatever reason, I have a much, much higher than average estrogen output. Recently, my doctors have decided to put me on a course of estrogen blockers to try and remedy this situation. The drug in use at this time is Zolodex, which is not unusual to have prescribed for breast cancer. I read a little bit about it before my first treatment, which they call hormonal chemotherapy-sounds scarier than it actually is. Anyway, I mostly read about how it's administered (a shot into your abdomen!) but not so much about the side effects.
Well! That was a mistake!
Virtually every website I've come across, and every doctor/nurse practitioner I've managed to corner all say the same thing: Zoladex will cause mood swings. Probably swinging more into the negative area than the positive.
No wonder I feel like I'd prefer to put a plastic bag over my head than do much of anything else.
I've got four more months of this crap, and then my treatment will be re-evaluated. Right on.
