open letter

Dear Larry from Quicken Home Loans,

Thanks so much for calling me today. I've spent all day today waiting for a phone call that didn't come. Your flat, nasal Midwestern voice was certainly memorable, but not the voice I was hoping to hear. When I told you I wasn't interested in your exciting new line of credit, or in a home refinance, I never did get to tell you the whole story. You see, Larry, I am a cancer patient in remission.

One of the many, many charming things about being in post-cancer care is the many, many followup visits one must attend. There are scans, mammograms, (which I always envision as a singing telegram delivered by someone dressed in a boob costume. How do you think of them, Larry?) spit tests, urine tests and blood tests. Yesterday was the blood test appointment, which is always slightly maddening. You go in, chit chat, get blood pressure and pulse readings, temperature and stuck with that odd little syringy thing with the blood vial poker deal. Apparently, I can expect to be really sick any day now, because I had a low grade fever and a ridiculously high pulse, like 100 BPM. Usually, it's like 50, thanks to years of endurance training. I feel fine now, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time.

Anyway, Larry, that was all the news they cared to report. However, they ARE SUPPOSED TO CALL within a specified time frame to discuss results with you. And, when they don't, it causes no small amount of concern. "Why didn't they call? Are things very bad, or is everything OK? Did they get enough blood? Did I drink enough water to flush all the illicit coffee out of my system? Was this the test with the metabolic panel, and I was supposed to have done it first thing in the morning, and because I went in the afternoon, the results are all out of whack?"

So, when the phone rings, and it's from Quicken Home Loans explaining how I can refinance my house, you can understand my profound disappointment. Sorry, Larry, it's not you, it's me.

For the record, I won't be refinancing anytime soon. Have a great day at Quicken Loans!